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where's my parade [20 Jan 2007|09:41pm]
i'm trying hard not to think so much about things and to just let them happen. at this point, forcing things into place isn't going to help me out because in the long run i know i will suffer. but now i've finally realized how tough it is to sort out two people's lives and get them running in similar directions, especially when one is quite certain everything is dandy the way it is. i thought that the fact that we are two people who don't exactly qualify as career oriented would eliminate this whole dilemma, but that just leads to whole other issues that must be addressed.

this love thing is tough.

in other news, i'm still desperately in need of a vacation. or at least some intense spoiling.
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perhaps this solstice was too much [22 Dec 2006|11:41pm]
a regular at art and soul told me that daily affirmations are good for soothing what is ailing the mind. when i told him about my restlessness, my feelings of inadequacy, and my constant need for movement or change he told me that i should get myself a world map.

his prescription calls for hanging the map in my room, standing in front of it everyday, and repeating to myself "this is my home." i have no world map, but today i envisioned one and said "this is my home" a few times to myself and i felt more in love with my life afterwards than i have in the past five days.

i hate self-centeredness, i always want to see myself in the context of how small i really am and yet how powerful i can still become through this humility. i want to see how confident i can be because i know my place and i know that i have settled for nothing. i'm working on it, and getting extremely close sometimes, but this process is going to take even longer than i supposed.

i wonder why i bother after so many trials. if you know what i'm talking about you probably do too. so here's my plea: let's be more patient and kind to each other, please.
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these people continue to blow my mind [20 Dec 2006|06:51pm]
i feel totally nuts right now. i hate where i am. i'm sick of conflicts of interests and places.

and goddammit, whatever happened to a little respect?

these people continue to blow my mind.
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i was expecting a hell hole [26 Nov 2006|09:51am]
home for the holidays but nonetheless, i keep getting crazy panic attacks like a million customers could walk through the door at any moment and immediately need all their venti white chocolate mochas, nonfat, with peppermint or raspberry and lots of whip cream. bah. currently forming another plan to become financially stable, may include actually using my degree (gasp)!

i don't know what has happened in the six months that i left boise, but suddenly this place is a pretty tight. downtown is beautiful and not at all sketchy and filled with all sorts of hip coffeeshops and boutiques and record stores. cool bands are coming to town and i even saw a few posters for some author talks. wtf? plus i have a few hook-ups now, which always helps to chill me out.

anyhow, it's about time.

last night my sister and i went to a new hookah bar. it was super friendly and affordable and included one of the hottest belly dancers i ever did see. oh i wish i had time to belly dance again, or do anything cool. if i could make money doing it, hot damn, that would be swell. maybe i should take up street performance again, reminiscent of the summer of chaos and seduction crew.
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a mere handful of complaints [14 Nov 2006|11:21pm]
my first day off since coming back from norcal and how do i feel? refreshed, maybe, but certainly not refreshed enough to look forward to starting again tomorrow. one day off after two weeks of 9-12 hours a day is like trying to get off of the couch you sat on after taking a few fat bong rips. painful, and irritating at best.

but i started writing a short story tonight which i must give myself props for cause when the hell do i get time to do that these days?
cluttered house = cluttered mind, and cluttered house + cold weather + too much work = little opportunity to relieve this cluttered mind with artistic outlet. and i even put it down and came back and read what i had and didn't think it was all that bad. more props.

in other news, my copy of lolita is collecting dust and its a god damn shame.

and the little house plant that i wanted so badly was gone when i went to collect. somebody out there got some seriously wrong signals cause that little gal was calling to ME.

now to find some source of heat and spend some quality time humbert humbert and co. after i dust off the book cover.
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toffee nose bitches...POW! [28 Sep 2006|04:10pm]
in my perpetual search for balance, i landed myself another job at art and soul. not only do i get free coffee drinks but they allow me 25 dollars to spend in the studio each month. alright, so it's not health insurance but the benefits are more than enough to keep me happy.

chris has been using his infinite knowledge of the bass to help out a bit. it's great, get hella faded and play some music? please, that's what i'm all about. just more practice for the rock star lifestyle that awaits me.

ah the motifs of my life: once again, there are too many raisins in my trail mix.
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the masks we become [16 Sep 2006|02:35pm]
thanks rilke.

today i'm really sick of -isms and all the misunderstanding they create.

you don't understand me and i don't understand you...we already know this. so let's get back to this whole creating change thing.
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this is the shit that happens [14 Sep 2006|12:57pm]
i have an ugly scar above my lip now from smelly cat. it's a pretty prominent feature and, if i let you, you can run your finger across it and feel how thick the tissue is there. all the ladies at my work keep suggesting products for me to use to make it fade but, to be honest, i don't feel like spending hella money just because i don't fit the prototype of feminine beauty. to be honest, i'm kind of happy about it. it's like, come on people, i wear guy's clothes, have knots in my hair, swear like a sailor, live with three disgusting boys and do little to clean up their act, duck tape all of my shoes and rip holes in and stain the rest of my clothes, and NOW you finally get that i'm not trying too hard to be your all american beauty (although i do confess to the occasional indulgence). hear me roar and yes, i am still very sexy.

in other news i'm going to start posting poetry on my myspace blog cause i'm a geek and have some other geeky partners in the writing crime who live afar and who i can't regularly get in touch with but want to have up to date with my ventures. but you're also invited to check it out:


pretty easy.

no earth dance this weekend. other crazy ventures? yes indeed.
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i'll show you my good side [16 Aug 2006|11:39am]
chris and i seriously need to work on getting our computer hooked up with internet. but in between the two of us we can be the flightiest, spaciest couple of people i know. so yeah, i'm at the ups library now instead which is bringing back crazy nostalgia for college and the like. but then again, seeing as i have nothing better to do today than go write poetry in the park and make pretty jewelery, i think i'll make it.

my hair wants to knot itself. that's just what it wants to do. and so i'm going to let it, maybe even help it along a little.

yesterday was fantastic, araura, rose, and i loitered about sixth street selling amazing vegan cookies to those beautiful people of the world. we even met a gorgeous hippie man who spent his summer rolling from festival to festival and is currently on his way home to go climb a tree and read until the next festival comes up. what a life. he gave us incense, cigarettes, and his heart (mmmmm yeah). hopefully in a month we'll be meeting up with him at earth dance.

i've quit smoking too, by the way. it's been about a week and a half now and the only cigarette i have smoked was due to the fact that on sunday morning i was rudely awakened by smelly cat using my face as a landing pad. the whole right side of my face was sliced up, from my bottom lip to just millimeters near my eye. needless to say, the physical and mental trauma of such an event begged for me to light up.

my face is healing quickly and without complications, but i still feel like frankenstein. aye. don't call me to go out, cause most likely i'm going to turn you down. just another few days, however, and the prettiness will be back with a vengeance and looking for a good time.
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oink [19 Jul 2006|09:57am]
[ mood | dirty ]

intimidation and assholishness = major buzzkill. like seriously.

i like having a job because now those essential goodies that keep me kickin' like fresh fruit, coffee, and luna bars are not so few and far between. even though, being able to buy them means nothing in a house of hungry boys. yesterday chris found my stash of luna bars and consumed the last of them. when i told him that they are for ladies he raised his right eyebrow, both shocked and offended by this information, and explained that he too wanted to be a part of the sisterhood. i'm not sure what he means, but that aside i don't think that the members of this sisterhood advocate stealing.

redefina's new singer is not as scary as i supposed. it's a nice thing, especially because we even have a lot in common and could potentially become friends (oh the perpetual pursuit of girlfriends continues)! i just got a kick out of the fact that i was discussing ani difranco and bellydancing with a member of a metal band.

really, i just get a kick out of discussing ani difranco and bellydancing with anyone these days.

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liberation?! indeed! [14 Jul 2006|07:20pm]
my first paycheck is in da bank! and boy does it feel good, easy money for the many funs to come.

i may not get to go to oracle and it is a painful, painful jab at my heart.

but...there is only so much one can do...

and i've been feeling splendidly inspired as of late. probably has something to do with the sudden influx of feminine influence in my life. creative, beautiful ladies...how i adore them. i've taken up writing poetry again goddammit! because poetry is what i love and so it is what i will write. i feel dirty for letting other's expectations and my own fear stifle the creative energy i know i have.

so my resolution for the next couple of weeks is to be good to my body. because who can function properly on other levels when the most apparent one is out of whack. not me, that's for sure. to do so i will: a) just say no to drugs and b) eat more like a rabbit and less like a frat boy.

and so the cleansing begins.
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amazing, the things you learn [24 Jun 2006|10:17am]
i got a job finally. this place called capers on proctor. it's only part-time but beats nothing at all. i just wish that they weren't going to make me take out my monroe. but what is an english major like me going to do when living in a place tacoma? suck it up and just take what you can get, that's what.

caitlyn visited a few days ago, and we finally had that caitlyn + cathy time that i have been craving so. stayed up all night and well into the next day like crazy people talking about life, love, and other beautiful complications. this summer i'm going to try to make a bigger effort to see her because she always provides me with that amazing relief that is so hard to find. i'm so bad with keeping in touch sometimes.

but a month away from school or work has been interesting. yes, i have been finding a ton of distractions but i have also been finding out a ton about myself and what i want in the future (even though it is only the very near future that i can stand to think about). and chris might not be going back to school, so i have a partner in crime to chill with once the school year does begin and our other housemates are busy with all that jazz.

fuck, i really want to go to burning man this year. now that chris and i have the money saved(errr...sorta) and the time. one of my many subjects to research in the upcoming months.

i'm also researching places around here where i can study to get my license in massage therapy. i've been entertaining the thought for months now, but it's never seemed like a better idea. who the fuck knows by this point though. i just want whatever i end up doing to have meaning beyond myself, and more and more the occupation of healing is appealing to me. i just don't know how to explain this to the folks, or if i should even care.

but whatever, for now it goes something like: tonight i will spin fire and rock out at james' going away party and tomorrow i will be front row (looking hot dancing my ass off) at the propagodz show at the urban arts festival. they have this new bass player you see, that is exactly my type. teehee.
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he's smelly and messy, that counts [01 Jun 2006|05:19pm]
[ mood | bipolar ]

i was strongly considering deleting this journal but have post-poned the venture. i don't know why, something about maybe trying to articulate something or other. as you can see, i have been feeling far from eloquent the past couple of days.

in the midst of feeling the happiest i have ever been in a while and also the most restless. the new living situation is good, although it took a full 36 hours of bitchwork to finally get the villa cleaned and my shit out of it. after a long night of unpacking, chris and i woke up this morning to people knocking on our door (what?! visitors?!) and it gave the place a nice, already lived in feel. and it's great that we finally officially live together as opposed to him basically living with me and making messes because my little box of a room is unprepared to meet the storage and needs of two people.

but i worry about feeling too content where i am. there's something unnerving about feeling overly content and being only 22 years old. but then i think that it could just be another phase and so i shouldn't go trying to outrun it yet. still, i wonder if being content is one of major causes of apathy and/or idleness. and that, in short, is why i have also psyched myself into restlessness.

looks like asia isn't working out (again) and neither are the belly dancing lessons. that leaves me feeling disillusioned about the world outside of the people that i am close to. but opportunities abound, i keep reminding myself that in spite of my petty setbacks.

i've given up alcohol almost completely except for a nice drink with friends, but many other means of altering my state of mind abound. i have chosen to partake in a few but not in all. i often consider my state of mind to be such a flimsy thing, and perhaps many other people do to, but these recent experiments (which will not become habitual) have become a testament to dispute such beliefs.

cigarettes, on the other hand, continue to be my vice.

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loopy in the morning [17 May 2006|07:40am]
due to an increase in demand, and the fact that i cannot get back to sleep even though i am dead tired and have yet to find anything to do with my life, i am going to actually write in this old thing.

the degree is under my belt, finally. although it has yet to really hit me that it's over. the sad (or beautiful depending on how you look at it) thing is i don't think it's going to hit me for a couple of months. right now, it's summer and only summer to me! yay!

it's been getting up to 95 degrees in boise, i'm still shocked every time i walk outside and find myself not feeling slightly colder than i think that i should. but not for much longer, eye appointment today and then flight out of here tomorrow. this is a good and a bad thing. good because (who would have guessed?) i know if i stay longer i will run out of ways to occupy myself and therefore revert into pathetic girldom and start missing chris. bad because i'm in desperate need of a change of pace and while my parents have been testing my patience to the extremes, it's nice to not have to deal with the same old. however the same old will be up in the air soon enough anyways. overall i'm feeling good about that fact.
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sleepy sleepy [28 Mar 2006|07:55pm]
i wish i had a big hunk of chocolate so i could smother it in peanut butter.

my motivation to do anything right now is completely gone. shit has hit the fan, and all i can do is shrug my shoulders. i've always considered myself to be plenty of things but really, apathetic has never been one of them. crazy passionate sometimes, moody as fuck, difficult to endure, all yes. but now sweet sweet apathy, i have given in to your allure.

maybe people would take me seriously if i showed my bitchy side more often. but that's sad, really, cause i feel like i show it enough.

looking for houses is hard, maybe i'll just find a tree.

chris and i recently invested in a new computer. while this is very well and good since my computer is old and cranky, i didn't take into account the massive amount of world of warcraft that he plays. thankfully, i've been slowly weaning myself from regular computer usage since mine began its slow descent. he can rot his brain, and in the meantime maybe i'll start writing letters.

riki is visiting. crazy girl is going across the continent to harvard law. surprisingly enough this does not stop her from being able to chill better than most people. i know, it's amazing, we just sit around and talk about boys and go for long walks and eat tons of fruit and ice cream.
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wikipedia rocks [12 Mar 2006|11:27am]
[ mood | sassy ]

it's very sunny now, and my eyes have been dilated for over a day. the doctor said they would stay this way for a while, but geez does it ever suck.

so far the highlights of my life have been getting tipsy at dinner, watching movies with fancy francy, and leaving drunk messages on everyone's myspace and facebook accounts. the internet makes it so convenient for me to be thoughtful these days. i rock.

meanwhile, the dog literally ate some of my homework and i continue to question the nature of some peoples' upbringings.

i've decided that my education is totally bogus, especially considering i am surrounded by so many people who i consider to be of the walking encyclopedia nature. good thing too because in between moments of brilliance (which i would consider to be fairly regular), i'm a walking ditz department.

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another delayed flight later [10 Mar 2006|01:36am]
[ mood | my dog stinks, longing for tac ]

i think it is safe to say that reaching me by email is impossible these days. i'm sooooo sick of my flooded inbox so a lot of the time i just find myself pressing deletedeletedeletedelete. but then again, what am i saying that's new? i'm sure you can relate.

tonight my dad showed me a column my sister has in BSU's student newspaper and then commented on the fact that she is creating a portfolio that will include all of her articles. hmmmmm, what are you trying to say dad? maybe i should be a little more on top of things, but then again at least i'll have no dreams that can be shattered upon contact with the real world.

two good things about boise:
1. a lot of baileys next to my room in the basement
2. a lot of candy next to baileys next to my room in the basement

and hopefully by tomorrow i will come across the cutest cat in the world to add to my list.

two bad things about boise:
1. more eyeball poking (though this time the results will be better)
2. cold, lonely bed in basement

happy spring break people.

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as if monday couldn't hate me more [27 Feb 2006|07:44am]
chris has an 8 am on mondays and wednesdays. this is all well and good except for days like today when he wakes me up and I can't seem to fall back asleep after he leaves. boo. what to do until my 11 am? i feel the need to waste these hours since its not like i should be awake anyways.

plans are starting to fall into place for the next several months and post-graduation. this is probably a good thing, it was taking long enough. and yet i still wonder what i will end up doing with my life when left to my own devices? last night after work, for example, i had nothing to do so i spent an hour or two re-teaching myself back-bends and walk-overs. am i destined to be a circus freak? maybe so.

i'm really sick of my right eye being red and pussy. beautiful image i know, i see it everyday. i've already had surgery, what else does it want from me? i can't wait for spring break and more surgery, my contacts are deteriorating from lack of use as i write.
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almost back to normal [16 Feb 2006|11:19pm]
my ipod broke again. i hate ipods so much right now, so much because i loved mine so.

millicent and i spent an hour and a half at the asups meeting tonight so we could get the tacoma students for a democratic society approved as a club. a couple minutes before we had to talk i thought about the time alex israel saw me trip up the stairs to wyatt two years ago. i think it was him. well, no one else was around luckily. and SDS got approved anyways so i win!

i had a dream that things were growing under the pile of chris's things that have been in the middle of my room for months now. then today at lunch, he told sasha that he's "a changed man" who does his homework and cleans. well, maybe its a long process. i figure it takes a lot to change a man.

busy night tomorrow, a party for the vag mons at my house (grace and talia are responsible for this one) and a party for people pretending to be animals at chris's.

i'm really not sure what to think either.
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my one joy in life [11 Feb 2006|01:04pm]
i totally have a secret crush on one of my co-workers. teehee. but from there it's only a downward spiral.

dear depression/self-doubt/pity:

please leave. you fuck up everything.

woefully yours,


i'm going to go for a run and eat a bunch of chocolate and pretend to be fulfilled. excuse me, i'm very busy.
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